Know-It-All: Why Are There Benches on the Granville Street Bridge?

Cyberbullying should have ended forever the day MSN Messenger was discontinued in 2014 (much to the chagrin of mean high-school girls named Ashlee around the world). But it looks like I was wrong: internet cruelty is indeed alive and well, and will be directed at you with glee if you are a weird bench in Vancouver.

The City of Vancouver’s engineers may have thought they were simply installing some humble seating in the protected Granville Bridge Connector bike lane alongside the new walking path, but what they actually installed was a pile-on. Reddit in particular went crazy over the unusual placement of the bench, plopped (the only word for it) at the top of a hastily constructed asphalt ramp next to the recently completed raised pathway. CTV called it an eyesore; social media comments dubbed it “depressing” and “hilariously bad.” The ironic selfies, naturally, were rampant. Someone added the location on Google Maps (naming it “Benchy McBench,” though I personally think it looks more like a “Greg”) and sarcastic reviews came pouring in. Even CBC came out to cover the outrage in a segment I can only assume was titled “Nothing Else Going on Today, I Guess.”

But the haters, as is common with haters, were not working with the full context. (They also, strangely, were fixated on mocking Benchy specifically, even though there are four ramp-top benches in total along the Connector. Every group has their breakout star, I suppose. Benchy must’ve just had that Beyoncé je ne sais quoi.) This bench isn’t supposed to be a destination or a grand lookout: it’s supposed to be a place to sit down when you’re tired. Why mock this piece of furniture for simply being where weary bridge-crossers might need it most? Oh, just because the ramp it’s on is a little sloppy? As someone who has been gently asked to leave a community pottery class for making the other participants “too depressed,” I will say that it’s actually really hard to build things from wet stuff! Maybe the construction worker in charge of ramp installation was more of a “big picture” person who should celebrate their strength as a visionary instead of internalizing a leaky mug—uh, I mean, sloppy ramp—as a reflection of their personal character? The point is: if you’re looking for a good spot for making out, staring at a solar eclipse or cosplaying as Forrest Gump, there are plenty of aesthetically pleasing benches out there that are not in the thick of Highway 99 traffic. Go put your butt on one of those instead! Leave Benchy alone!

The city has eventual plans for a wider walkway with ample room for both strolling and sitting, and the maligned seat will be shuffled to a more dignified spot. At that point, engineers will also install sleeker ramps to help folks transition between street-level and sidewalk level. Yeah, that’s right, the ramps are for accessibility: who’s the eyesore now, CTV?

So, yes, the bench situation on the Connector is maybe not the most stylish of makeshift solutions, but it’s functional for what we need right now. If you have a better solution for combining walking, pedalling, biking, scooting, wheelchair-ing and sit-downing, I’d like to see you perfectly design a $54-million multi-modal transportation gateway connecting the Arbutus Greenway to downtown. I would take a swing at it myself, but I have a remedial pottery class to attend. (Please do not tell anyone named Ashlee; I can’t face any more criticism.)

Learn more about the City of Vancouver’s Granville Connector project.

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