Here’s something new—a legitimate, honest-to-goodness, incredibly-well-researched bi-monthly horoscope column written by yours truly. Do I have 20/20 vision? Optically, not even close. Astrologically, the jury’s still out. Try the following with a grain of sustainably sourced sea salt, Vancouver.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

New year, same you—your penchant for radical changemaking is awesome, Aquarius, but you’re harshing everyone’s vibe. Spend some much-needed chill time relaxing with your friends, your family or yourself. Do not spend time with your neighbour; he is not worth the emotional energy. Try ordering guac even though it’s extra.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Is it too on the gills to connect the fish sign with the leg-lacking Ariel at the beginning of The Little Mermaid? Call us Ishmael, but it seems like your tendencies toward fantasy and escapism could harpoon your happily ever after. You might think you have a total catch, but your standards are way below sea level. Try reeling ’em in with sustainability–themed pickup lines.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your professional life will be c(ram)med with projects and responsibilities, but the good news is, literally nothing can go wrong in the romance department. Try ignoring your lover’s “good morning” texts while posting on Instagram, just to see what happens.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Self-care isn’t all sparkling bubble baths and lavender essential oil. Put in a few hours at the gym—this is a great time for you to form new habits, because it’s not like your career is going anywhere. Try listening to true crime podcasts to make you run faster.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your friends are going to be extra-sensitive this month, and even though that’s totally not your fault, you should probably go out of your way not to embarrass them. Do not wear white sneakers to work. Try shutting up once in a while.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

It’s still cuffing season and you’re still shelled up; give others a taste of your insides, you secret softie, you. Try crying for five minutes each day instead of six hours straight biannu-ally.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your passion will pay off romantically, but we’d be lion if we told you to expect change at work. Physical health should be your mane focus. Your buddies are tired of hearing you whine about your lower back; try going to the doctor and whining to a professional.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Good things will come without effort. Your goals will be reached easily, and people will love you for the practical support you offer. Unfortunately, every fruit you eat will be slightly too ripe or not ripe enough. Try juicing.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Scale back that indecision and take the opportunities offered to you—the FOMO will be real if you don’t. Try taking someone ice-skating and then asking them if their hands are cold.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Distractions will sting you this season—focus, please. Stop checking your phone. Hello? Just read this without—hey, it’s only 38 words. Look up here. Anyway, try challenging your colleagues to staring contests. Just focus. You can do—

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Stop depending on others to educate you. Go to the library, the actual library, and borrow a DVD. While you’re at it, borrow a DVD player. Try listening to the main menu music for an hour or two. Write down what you’ve learned.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s more to life than work—you also have rent, relationships and the environment to worry about. Focus less on your career and more on everything else that’s probably going to go wrong. Write down your worries using non-toxic, biodegradable ink, then consume them before they consume you.