Game of Zoning: A Vision Vancouver Funeral in Five Acts

Hey Lionsgate, we've got the script for you.

September 18, 2018

By Nathan Caddell / Photo: Twitter

FADE IN:

EXT. A MAKESHIFT GRAVEYARD ON THE SIDE OF THE 10TH AVENUE BIKE LANE

GREGOR is at a podium, standing over a mound of rubble emblazoned with a Vision Vancouver logo. In lieu of flowers, bike helmets are scattered around the grave.

Beside him, other Vision councillors, including ANDREA, HEATHER and RAYMOND sit dejectedly.

GREGOR ROBERTSON: Hear ye, hear ye. Friends, enemies, bike lane proponents, we are gathered here today to say that while we aren’t putting forward a candidate for mayor, Vision Vancouver is far from dead. It hasn’t always been easy, but we made Vancouver one of the greenest cities in the world and can be really proud of what we’ve done.

A HOMELESS PERSON walks through the backdrop of the screen, prompting a bunch of party officials to direct the media cameras away from the passer-by.

GREGOR ROBERTSON: This is but a bump on the long road towards keeping our city vibrant and prosperous. And let’s keep in mind that we still have a great slate of candidates running for council, parks board and VSB positions.

HEATHER takes the stage, as reporters quickly gather around GREGOR and pester him with questions.

HEATHER DEAL: Let it be known that my fellow Vision councillor candidates and I will keep fighting! We can keep moving forward as a team and…

The crowd slowly moves away from HEATHER and follows GREGOR out of the room, leaving her at an empty podium.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDY OF A BEAUTIFUL HOME, SHROUDED WITH SMOKE

JOHN and KENNEDY sit across from each other, cigars in one hand, glasses of whisky in the other, laughing.

JOHN HORGAN: I told you Ken! I knew giving up your seat was the right call. With that dead horse Vision out of the race, it’s ours for the taking.

KENNEDY STEWART: You were right, John. Imagine if I hadn’t! Those NPA hacks would be running the city.

JOHN HORGAN: Indeed.

KENNEDY STEWART: Sir, maybe you should tweet something about the upcoming Municipalities Conference? So that everyone knows you’re sorta kinda winking at Vision dropping out?

JOHN HORGAN: Excellent idea, Ken.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN STREET BAGEL SHOP BACK ROOM

A bunch of SHADOWY FIGURES stand over KEN, closely monitoring his every move

KEN SIM: Well fellas, now that Ian Campbell’s out of the race, should we maybe make a move? Declare some sort of a stance on a policy issue of some kind?

The SHADOWY FIGURES confer in a hushed tone until one finally speaks in a low bellow, pausing with every word.

SHADOWY FIGURE 1: Tweet about your respect for his compassion as a citizen.

KEN SIM: Sure thing, fellas! So, about that policy position?

The SHADOWY FIGURES confer again.

SHADOWY FIGURE 1: No.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN BILLBOARD WITH HECTOR’S FACE ON IT

The real HECTOR stands below it, asking questions from the press.

HECTOR BREMNER: No, like I said before, I have absolutely no idea who’s putting these billboards up. However, I must say, they picked a nice picture of me.

REPORTER 1: Surely you must have some idea who paid the thousands of dollars to get your face on a billboard?

HECTOR BREMNER: Must just be a really concerned citizen who really believes in our housing plan.

REPORTER: Really?

HECTOR BREMNER: Really.

REPORTER: So you don’t think it has anything to do with all your developer connections that had you sitting out multiple city council votes?

HECTOR BREMNER: Again, no idea who it could possibly be.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN CROSSWALK

SHAUNA stands at a corner, handing out pamphlets while people mindlessly walk by her.

SHAUNA SYLVESTER: Extra! Extra! A candidate with an actual platform! Read all about it!

WE SLOWLY FADE OUT AS SHAUNA HOPELESSLY TRIES TO ATTRACT ATTENTION

FIN

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