How to online date like a pro

Each issue, Nick offers authoritative advice on living—and getting by—in the (pretty) big city

April 6, 2016

By Nick Zarzycki

People ask me all the time: Nick, how come you are so successful at online dating? Is it your effortless charm? Your confidence? The fact that you live with your parents? Friends, there are many parts to the Vancouver online dating equation. Being anxious and aloof all the time, overthinking everything, choosing which sweatpants to wear: these are all important factors.

But if I were to pick one that stands above the rest, it would be your online dating profile. To be successful, you must obsess over it until it is perfect. Want to see the ideal Vancouver online dating profile? Take a good, long look at mine. Note how ambitious and successful I am, but also how I am described as the most “laid back person you will ever meet.” Note my love for “kayaking, swimming naked through kilometers of cold water, and dating fellow readers of Vancouver Magazine.”

Note also how my cellphone number is 604-555-8930 and how I am currently listed as single (!). My editor tells me the readership of this magazine is a pretty even split of middle-class men and women. This, coincidentally, is exactly who I’m interested in having sex with at the moment. I’ll tell you what, Vancouver Magazine reader: you and I can grab coffee, I’ll show you how to write the perfect online dating profile, and we’ll see where it goes from there. For the love of God, please, someone go on a date with me.

Nick Zarzycki edits the Syrup Trap, a satire magazine

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