Amazon Really Blows It, Neglects to Put Vancouver on Shortlist

Internet shopping company walks away from the best thing that ever happened to them.

January 18, 2018

By Stacey McLachlan

Digital supermall Amazon announced its shortlist of candidate cities for a second global headquarters today and, after reading the list over several times to make sure we didn’t misread it, it appears that Vancouver did not make the cut. But we just wanted to clarify that we didn’t even want an Amazon headquarters here anyways and we’re actually seeing a different all-knowing corporate overlord who’s really great for us and super hot but they live in Canada so you probably haven’t met them. What’s that? Why are our pillowcases covered in tear-stains? Probably a ghost, because we definitely haven’t been crying all night over you, Amazon. We can’t even believe you would suggest such a thing—how vain can you be? We are so over you and your drama.

We don’t even care that Toronto is the only Canadian city to make the list of 20 potential locations, selected from 238 applicants. In fact, we seriously could not be happier for the two of them. Yes, we’ve spent the last three hours looking at pictures of Toronto and grinding our teeth so hard that now we have to wear a prescription mouthguard, but that’s just a natural part of the healing process! We should all go out to dinner sometime, actually.

If Amazon had selected Vancouver as a possibility, we would have seen $5 billion of investment in development and 50,000 jobs added to the economy but if we’re being honest, those sort of promises just make Amazon look thirsty. And with the housing crisis, Jeff Besos probably couldn’t have afforded a place here, anyways. So it all worked out and we’ve never been happier. Really. Seriously. We’re fine. We’re. Fine.

 

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